I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
