Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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