DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
