You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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