Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
