I showed him my bush... on skype.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The air taste purple.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
