broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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