Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
