conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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