You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
