Duck Duck Cougar?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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