I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
