I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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