Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
