I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
