i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm at about main and main street
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
