bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
