she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
sarcasm needs its own font
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
