Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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