Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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