im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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