I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
