I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
