my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
