Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
