Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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