Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
