whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
