i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
