I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
