I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
