I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
