so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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