my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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