I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
