Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
