Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
