i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
