If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
