I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
