How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Nicole vs. Life
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
