we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
