Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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