hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
