If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
