my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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