My Higher Power is John Stamos
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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