I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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