so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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