If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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