I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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