I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
