I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
well you can't waste a boner
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He felt like a one man threesome
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
