babies were throwing up all over the place
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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