you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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